When I was still a student in university, I once received an email with a PowerPoint document attached to it. It showed pictures of beautiful butterflies, but the story was a sad one. It was the story of a butterfly which was on its way to get out of its cocoon. A man, who saw the butterfly getting out of its cocoon slowly, thought the butterfly was in difficulties, and he wanted to help the butterfly by tearing the cocoon for it. Instead of getting out of the cocoon in good shape, the butterfly instead was ill and couldn’t develop itself properly. The moral of the lesson was that by wanting to help people in need, most of the time human people commit a lot of mistakes and put the needy people in danger instead, and that the human being should let the other people making their own efforts instead to obtain triumph from their difficulties. In this story, the human had good intentions towards the butterfly but did a wrong thing by helping it in its efforts to come into life. But in my own life I was surrounded with humans who pretended to help me in my difficulties but who abused of my weakness. I also was surrounded by predators who didn’t allow me to do my own efforts to succeed in life, but instead who barred my efforts by making the efforts for me and making of me totally dependent from them. In both circumstances though, I became like that poor butterfly and I am recovering with lots of difficulties.
I decided tonight to break the silence, because I arrived at a point of my life, further to the experiences that I have been living as a child and also as a newly parent, on how traumatic it is to be a married couple and parents, especially when you grow up within the Mauritian and Hindu cultures.
Since in Mauritius, about 80% of Mauritians have Hindu inheritance, the principles that they follow within the family and social circle is exactly the same as in India, where all decisions regarding the married couple and their roles as new parents depend a lot on the family culture, religious beliefs and traditions. My husband and I have passed through that, and I decided, after such deep reflections and meditations about this, to break the silence once for all about that matter. First of all, let me give you an overview about our family backgrounds.
AN OVERVIEW ON MY HUSBAND’S POOR BUT BALANCED FAMILY BACKGROUND VS MY RICH BUT DISORDERED FAMILY BACKGROUND
My husband comes from a purely Indo-Mauritian family. They were about 13 people in the household, since they lived in poor conditions, when my in-laws got married. Since my mother-in-law was the very first sister-in-law of the family, and since my father-in-law was the eldest son of the family, they had to sacrifice their youth to help their parents in the household and bend under the patriarchal elders’ traditions. As per the first daughter-in-law of the family, like in every poor traditional Hindu families, my mother-in-law had to cook food, do the chores and look after not only her husband and children, but also after all the other family members in the household. Her life wasn’t easy at all. She had to wear the sari all the time, light the fire by blowing in a sort of wooden branch that they called “Poukni” and cook food and chapati for everyone, especially for one of her brothers-in-law, who was the only one in the family who was working and earning money for everyone, but who had a very strong ego, since he wanted to be the only one in the family to have power and to be the prodigy of the family. My husband and his elder brother were born and brought up not only by their parents, but even by all the people in the household, who all contributed into their welfare and education, since my mother-in-law had to look after all those people at the same time, bear their caprices, critics, family pressure, humiliations and even so many huge fights with her husband, during which her husband didn’t even hesitate to raise his hand and abuse of her physically over her. Even my husband and his brother faced the same situation for so many years. Unfortunately, even after marriage and after having become a father, my brother-in-law kept on bearing that pressure over his shoulders, but my husband had the chance to escape from that hell, since he had the opportunity to work overseas for more than a decade during all his professional career. That helped him a lot overcoming those burdens and rebuilding himself, but the scars of the past are still present and I can still feel fear within his eyes when he expresses himself. My husband had another burden to bear over his shoulders: As the first grandchild of the family in the third generation of the patriarch, he had not only to be a good-mannered boy with a successful career and education, but he also had to be a prodigy and a role model for all the other little cousins who would be born within that household after him so that they would all follow his steps! But as he is very kind-hearted, he didn’t mind about it since he is very close to his cousins, but that was a very pricky situation. Moreover, despite the ups and downs in the family, they all followed the same family rules, rites, rituals and traditions together for years, and even though some of our rituals in our marriage life changed a lot, my husband still kept on following the family traditions even at home though we live away from my in-laws and they have been living in a united family with strong educational skills and strict discipline and life principles.
MY FATHER’S FIRST MARRIAGE
My case was the total opposite from my husband’s family. As I mentioned before, I was born from a Hindu Mauritian father and a Creole Mauritian mother. Even though my two respective patriarchal and matriarchal families strictly followed their own principles, I was torn between two kinds of cultures, religious beliefs, rites and rituals which never matched with each other and which made me completely lost. My father was completely indifferent about my orientation, whereas my mother forced me to follow her principles. Contrary to the paragraph that I wrote for my husband’s family, I won’t be as long since I already mentioned about them before in some of my previous posts, such as the struggles I faced with my mother when I wrote about Naomi Campbell’s overreactions and controversies and the link I found between her and me, the way I decided to forgive my father, even though I blame him for not having been a good father enough for me, the struggles I have been facing regarding my financial situation, the struggles I have been facing regarding the fight that both my husband and I did to have a child, some people among my family members who stooped so low by betraying me and abusing of the trust that I had in them, and many more posts that I wrote again as fragments of my life. But what I never mentioned was about my parents and their ugly past, because I was too ashamed about talking about them, and I kept on making everyone tired about always repeating the same thing, but this time I won’t keep silent anymore and through this you will understand why marriage life and parenthood are two journeys that a couple should afford ALONE.
Before being married to my mother, my father was married to another lady whom he had two children with. She was a Christian from Kerala and as per what I heard about her, she was a very kind nature and beautiful nature. However it seemed that my father isolated her a lot and never let her befriending the patriarchal family, and she always had to stay away from everyone and be alone at home raising two children and doing all her stuffs on her own. Even though my father pampered her materially and financially, she never had the affection that she should have had from a husband. Also, in a moment of weakness, she started an affair with the personal chauffeur of the family, whom my father engaged to help her going for all her displacements and trips, which lasted for a long time. My father’s elder brother (who was my mother-in-law’s father too, and later I will explain you how it came like that) warned my father to be very careful and to have an eye on his wife, since she was betraying him with their chauffeur. My father thought that his elder brother was acting as a troublemaker in his family life and he menaced my uncle to go away from the house, menacing him with a gun! But one night after a hard day in hospital, where my father was doing his internship, when he reached back home, he surprised both his wife in bed with the personal chauffeur and he threw them out of the house!
Meanwhile, since my patriarchal half-brother and my patriarchal half-sister were still young, my father had no other choice than asking his wife to come back, since there was no one to look after them. But in parallel, he acknowledged my mother at the airport while both of them were respectively returning to Mauritius and while they were still waiting for their luggage to come. My father saw my mother being embarrassed with her heavy luggage and also he helped her and she thanked him. Another day, while my father was in cinema with my patriarchal half-brother, he again met my mother there. Then something started to happen between the both of them and my father even mentioned to his son that he wanted to remarry my mother. Since my patriarchal half-brother was still young, he couldn’t take a strong decision regarding my parents and didn’t know what to reply to him. My parents then started dating in secret, until my father’s first wife came to know about their affair and decided to expel my father out of the house, and both filed for divorce, and his first wife (now ex-wife) had the two children’s custody for a couple of years. As per what I have heard, it seemed that the two children suffered heavily from their mother’s educational system, since as per what I have heard, Christian ladies from Kerala were reputed in the 60s or 70s to be rough and rude in their children’s education. It seemed that she once forced my half-brother, who was only 5 years old, to clean all a chicken coop with his two tiny hands! I tried to do some researches about those kind of Christian Kerala women but unfortunately failed into looking for something to justify that strict culture. Anyway, that was what I was informed about my my half-brother and his ex-wife and those were the only references I had. But during all those years with their mother, bearing such an excessive strict education, my half-siblings started badly missing our father, and then they decided one day to fugue and to go to Mauritius to stay besides their father, where they hoped they would feel some love and re-comfort. They succeeded arriving at the nearest railway station, where they would catch the train which would drive them from Kerala to New Delhi, for afterwards catching a plane which would bring them back to Mauritius, since my half-brother, while studying, was also working hard to earn some money to help his mother and to assure his own education and the education of his little sister, and they could leave India forever thanks to his savings. However, their mother succeeded into catching them back at the railway station, and she even tried hard to pull back my half-brother while he was helping my patriarchal half-sister embarking with their luggage, but he succeeded into escaping from her pressure, since the train was going away for never returning those two young children again. They thought that at least in Mauritius they would have peace forever. Their happiness was unfortunately as fake as fantasy jewellery with platter gold. You will know why, when I will tell you the background of my mother.
MY MOTHER, HER DISASTROUS FIRST MARRIAGE AND HER PRESENCE MARKING THE BEGINNING OF SO MANY FAMILY DISASTERS
My mother, who was raised in a 5-children Roman Catholic Creole family from Mauritius, was received at the same time a strict education because of her father, and at the other time an education based on amusement, entertainment but with strong family bonds. Contrary to my father, who had a brilliant career and became one of the best doctors of the country, like I related in my “Confessions from a Miseducated Girl“, as per what I heard, it seemed that my mother failed in her Higher School Certificate due to an accident she made on her bicycle, but I don’t know though whether she was telling the truth or not. My mother experienced a first marriage with another Roman Catholic young Creole man, who was working as a lecturer in a government school in the locality they came from. My mother was only 18 years old and together they had a daughter, who was a couple of months younger than my patriarchal half-sister. I don’t know though where the truth is because both my matriarchal half-sister and my mother gave me two different versions on how the relationship between our mother and her first husband split. As per my mother, her first husband kept on humiliating her all the time and abusing of his authority over her, and when she acknowledged my father, my father gave her a choice between bearing her first husband or coming with him… and she chose my father, of course! It seemed that she even tried so many times to write to her daughter so many letters, which my matriarchal half-sister never received since it seems they were intercepted by other people, and that her first husband closed the door to my mother’s nephews and nieces, whom she sent to fetch her daughter since she wanted to see her again, and that her husband refused to receive them and didn’t want his daughter to have any contact with her matriarchal family. But the version that my matriarchal half-sister gave me was completely different, and seemed to me more plausible. As per her own version, there was absolutely nothing wrong in their relationship, but it was my mother who was excessively authoritarian and aggressive since she was all the time unsatisfied with her husband and her marriage life, since they were renting a house and that they were living in modest conditions. When she came to acknowledge my father, who was having a comfortable earning, her greed for lust and money increased and then she started betraying her husband with my father in secret while her husband was at work. When my matriarchal half-sister started to know about that adultery relationship, she was only 6 years old but was too young to understand what was really happening and my mother acted as if everything was normal. She even received so many lovely saris through a maid and often met my father, who came to fetch her in a red car he parked behind the bamboo fence. Things went on like this for a long time, until one evening, while my matriarchal half-sister and her father came back home, all my mother’s personal belongings completely disappeared, since she suddenly deserted the family house! They panicked at such a way that they looked for her everywhere and even filed a case to the police station. They looked for her everywhere among the family members but no one dared telling the truth, at the exception of my mother’s elder uncle, who is also my godfather, and who had the courage to reveal that my mother escaped with my father and that they went together to Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean! My mother’s first husband was so devastated that he suffered from severe depression and remarried another person, but who was never of support for my half-sister. They filed for divorce, and the fact that the divorce was filed under purpose of adultery by my mother inevitably made that she lost total custody for her daughter.
My parents got married, and I never even knew that they did a Hindu marriage before, nor that my mother followed Hinduism, since there were no pictures of their Hindu marriage at home, nor of them following Hindu rituals together, until I came to know about it only in year 2007 when I was already 26 years old and already had 2 years marriage with my husband! Then my mother mentioned that she couldn’t bear anymore to keep on following Hinduism and she went back to her Christianity, which she fully followed, and they then contracted the Anglican marriage, since my father converted in Anglicanism while still being in Kerala and when he acknowledged his first wife, though he kept his Hindu rituals alive. When my half-brother and my patriarchal half-sister came back to Mauritius from Kerala, they acknowledged their new stepmother, who came back meanwhile from Reunion Island. My mother though, for reasons that only she knows and which are totally eccentric, tainted her hair in red and, since she was fair-skinned, she pretended that she came from Reunion Island and even made everyone in the patriarchal family believing the same thing… And everyone blindly believed her, and I don’t know how my siblings came to know about the truth regarding her family background and that she was a simple Creole Mauritian living in a low class city-state. As per what I heard, she looked after my father’s children very well like a loving and caring mother much more than a loving and caring stepmother, but since she never had a son, she made a lot of discrimination between my half-brother and my patriarchal half-sister, since she was mostly defending my half-brother’s interests, while my father mostly defended his little daughter’s interests. None of my parents did even try to arrange a sort of golden mean between the two children to put them in total agreement, and that kind of discrimination especially started when my mother entered the family, whereas such discrimination never happened in the past before my mother came in their lives. That created a lot of clashes between my half-brother and my mother, especially when my half-brother started experiencing young love and accumulating a lot of girlfriends, but things got even worse when my half-brother decided to marry his latest girlfriend in the 80s after so many years of relationship together. Since my half-brother and his future wife did everything on their own for the civil marriage, since my half-brother wanted to settle in Reunion Island, where his future wife was originated from, and then planned for the religious marriage being performed by their respective parents, my mother never accepted that they married in secret and she made a huge scandal which forced my half-brother and his wife performing the religious marriage only in presence of my then new sister-in-law’s family only and in Reunion Island and even renting a house with nothing in their bank account, since my then sister-in-law was coming herself from a poor family, whereas my half-brother was disinherited by my father in exchange of a plot of land that my half-brother asked our father to assign to our father to be able to build his own house! And it seemed that this condition was signed blindly by my half-brother, since he was in a desperate financial situation and indebted, until one of his good friends, who was an attorney, came to discover about that document! My half-brother was devastated but had no other choice than to accept such an injustice. Meanwhile, while his house was under construction, my mother, who never digested that relationship, not only because things were made behind her back, but also because her own ego was hurt, since she was an extremely possessive stepmother for my half-brother and always competed with his fiancee, as if she was secretly in love with my half-brother and wanted to keep him prisoner for herself. It’s years after that my matriarchal half-sister suspected about that insane feeling within my mother’s mind towards my half-brother, and when I once talked about that suspicion with my mother-in-law, she mentioned that in especially lots of Hindu families, such cases where stepmothers fall in love with their stepsons exist and that it’s a common case. And when my half-brother asked for having that plot of land, then my mother decided to revenge to break their marriage life and she used black magic to do it. Black magic is something unfortunately very common within the Mauritian folklore, where so many people call for Sorcerers or Witches to do devilish black magic works to destroy other people’s lives and to revenge from other people. I was only 7 years old and all the time playing on my bicycle at home, but I very often saw a Tamil priest who was coming to our place to do some strange incantations in the small living room with my parents, but I never came to know the meaning of those rituals, and never even asked any questions, since I was too young to understand what was happening. I also saw my mother going very often, either by taxi, or with my father in his car, in a little Kalimaye, which is a small Hindu Temple dedicated to Goddess Kali, where they used to go every Tuesday and sometimes every Friday at noon to perform some rituals dedicated to Kali Maa. Once more I ignored in which purposes they were doing that together and never asked any questions about it. Then after so many years, when my own marriage life and family was endangered, I came to discover, after a series of testimonies from several friends and family members and a series of surveys that both my husband and I did together to save our couple, that my mother did all those rituals to break my half-brother’s marriage and never allow him having children, since my ex-sister-in-law couldn’t infant for so many years until she obtained a protection from a priest which allowed her to become a mother at her turn. Unfortunately, since my half-brother and his wife didn’t perform any prayers correctly, the rituals that my mother performed brought their ugly fruits. My half-brother started betraying several times his wife, there were lots of fights in their couple life for years, and among my half-brother’s mistresses there was… my matriarchal half-sister, who herself was married to someone else! I will talk about her sudden comeback in the next paragraph. But all that mess made that after 16 years of marriage and 2 children, my half-brother and his wife filed for divorce and my half-brother was already dating someone else for 6 years, until she herself was fed up of the pressure she felt for being an intrude for my half-brother’s family and that she decided to move away and marry someone from a normal family background, whom she had a son with. However, my half-brother and his ex-wife keep a good relationship together, and my ex-sister-in-law even wanted to keep a good relationship with her ex-in-laws for the sake of her children, but she couldn’t accept my half-brother’s new and actual relationship with one of his childhood girlfriends and even created some mess in it.
MY BIRTH AND MY TORN RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HALF-SIBLINGS, RELATIVES AND PARENTS
I was then born from that remarriage, unfortunately based over adultery, mostly caused by my mother. This created a lot of tautness within the family, since I was silently disliked by so many family members, who were very jealous of the rich financial background in which my parents brought me up, and also since they secretly disliked me for being the fruit of an adultery marriage. I was supposed to have a younger brother in April 1986 but he was an unborn child, and I was never aware about my mother’s second pregnancy until I discovered by hazard some pictures coming from the X Ray scan showing my little unborn brother within my mother’s womb😦 But in another hand, I am happy though that my little brother never survived, because at least God took him back with Him to avoid that he would suffer the big hell that I had to bear until I would get married at my turn. My patriarchal half-sister became my Godmother, since I was baptised Roman Catholic instead of Anglican, which is my father’s religion I was supposed to take, and which was a proof that my mother’s authority was stronger than my father’s authority in the family. I never thought, when I was born, that my life could have become so disastrous, and if God kept me alive instead of taking me back with Him to be in peace besides my unborn little brother, it seemed that He had other plans for me.
Previously, I wrote a blog post where I described myself as a bully at school, but as a golden child in my family. This was the kind of education that my parents gave me and I thought that it was for my welfare that they were doing that to me. But in reality, they influenced me to be a perfect child to help them covering completely their previous sins and to make everyone forgetting, through that so-called perfect education, that I was in reality the fruit of a marriage based on an adultery basis. What is funny is that I was raised as a Roman Catholic since I was young and that my mother was extremely religious. I was never taught adultery when I was a child and I was always preached the Holy Word from the Holy Bible, including one of the 10 Commandments of Moses, stipulating that “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. But when I turned 7 years old, I had the biggest surprise of my life when one afternoon, my matriarchal half-sister stepped in front of the door of our house with her fiancee and her future in-laws, and how she was received with wide open arms and screams of joy coming from both herself and my mother. I never understood the relationship between the both of them and at first thought that she was just a very good friend whom my mother lost contact with for several years. But through time and space I came to know that she was my matriarchal half-sister, whereas during all those years I completely ignored that my mother had someone else before my father in her life! I always thought that my half-brother and my patriarchal half-sister were the only family I had, and that despite our differences of skin colour – they were brown-skinned whereas I am fair-skinned – they were really my brother and my sister completely. Skin colour was never a matter on which I questioned myself regarding them because my father himself is brown-skinned, several of my relatives from both matriarchal and patriarchal families are brown-skinned and also I never asked myself how I could be different. But then the sudden arrival of my matriarchal half-sister in my mother’s life completely changed things and brought into my mind some questions which I never thought that one day I would ask to my mother: Is my father my matriarchal half-sister’s father too? That was one of the questions I asked my mother. She replied: No, your father is your half-sister’s stepfather. Her father is someone else. Then I came to understand that my mother was married to someone else before marrying my father! Only God knows how I made my mind working so much, but when I came to know that my mother was married to someone else before knowing my father, I then wondered whether even my father had someone in his life before my mother too… And yes, he had his first wife from Kerala, which meant that my half-brother and my patriarchal half-sister were also my half-siblings and not my complete siblings! My father felt extremely embarrassed when I asked him why he left his first wife, whereas my mother reacted very aggressively and used harsh words to make me accepting the situation as it is and to forbid me to ask any other questions again about their past. But since I was just 7 years old, I had no other options than to obey my parents.
I already wrote previously what happened to my half-brother and how he rushed out of the patriarchal house with all his personal stuffs to marry my ex-sister-in-law, and I also wrote previously more details on how I have been deprived from his brotherly love towards me. Unfortunately, even now, the relationship between the both of us is almost inexistant. My mother succeeded so well separating the both of us that, despite so many temptations to restore that lost brother-sister bond, after only a couple of months and some misunderstandings and clashes, my half-brother and I split again, and this for a very long period. The very last time I saw him was a couple of years ago at his consultation when I wanted to introduce him my son, who was still 3 years old. But on that day, my half-brother was extremely harsh, arrogant and vulgar to my poor little child, who was extremely scared seeing his uncle in such a negative shape, that I got disgusted by my half-brother’s behaviour and then decided to definitely put a full stop to that impossible brother-sister relationship between us, which left me heartbroken, deceived and unfortunately gave me a reason for me to kill that relationship from my life once for all. That lack of brotherly love and affection affected me so much that I tried to seek love and affection from several male friends whom I considered as my spiritual brothers, but unfortunately none of the friends I made succeeded into compensating the emptiness within me caused by my half-brother’s absence from my life and my young brother’s death as an unborn child😦 Most of the “brothers” I had were either hypocrite with me, indifferent to me or disguised their real intentions as manipulators by covering their bad intentions against me in disguise of a fake brotherly love they felt for me until I came to discover their true colours.
My relationship with my patriarchal half-sister was in general very good since she covered me a lot with love and affection during the 6 first years of my life, though I was told that she felt some jealousy at first time when I was born. But through time and space she gave me her sisterhood affection in a way which was unique and which made that I loved her more than I could love my parents, or even my own child and my husband! However, things started to deteriorate since I turned 7 years old. While my mother was doing her insane things to destroy my half-brother’s life and marital happiness, my patriarchal half-sister’s behaviour started deteriorating little by little. She was more over-pressurised by my father, who considered her as a prestige for the family and she started adopting a bad behaviour through bad company, tobacco and alcohol. She was even over-pressurised because of my mother’s relatives who were living in France where my patriarchal half-sister was studying and who made with my mother a lot of gossips and invented so many fake rumours and lies about my half-sister’s misbehaviour in France. Even with me, she started being more aggressive for nothing and was even made me crying very often, but my love for her was so strong that I easily could forgive her and forget what she did to me. But when I turned 11 years old, she came on holidays at our place after a very long time, but she was no more the same girl I have been knowing during all those years: She was depressed, mentally insane, with new habits, new behaviour, completely different. I really didn’t recognise her and it was a real torture to have her at home than a pleasure for me. Her relationship with my father even got deteriorated, because in one hand my father still loved her to the core, but in another hand he was himself pressurised by my mother who was in a total position of strength since she had her family from France behind her back gossiping against my patriarchal half-sister. All that mess did that in August 1992, she gave her last breath and passed away at only 26 years old, but I was hidden the truth about her death for 4 long years, during which everyone lied to me that she was settled in Canada, that she was travelling for Doctors Without Boundaries, etc… Until one quiet morning in 1996 my mother told me the truth about her death, and announced it very simply as if she announced me that she had to go out for shopping! At first, I didn’t react, but the more the years went through and the more it went on affecting me, and what affects me the most is that my patriarchal half sister is gone forever, bringing with her all the dark secrets of her mysterious death in her graveyard.
With my matriarchal half-sister, at the beginning, our relationship was really good and she was a very playful and best friend to me. However, our relationship started deteriorating when she divorced her first husband after 7 years of catastrophic marriage life and an unborn child! The reason behind her marriage split was once more… adultery! And the worst was that my matriarchal half-sister was having her adultery affair at first with no one else than… my half-brother! Incredible but true! My father’s first marriage son together with my mother’s first marriage daughter! It was as if they duplicated exactly the adultery story between my parents, and it went on like that between them for about five years, including two years of adultery relationship they were freely living in my parents’ house in front of my eyes whereas I was a teenager! During that period, as I related previously, my matriarchal half-sister was separated from her husband after 7 years of marriage and an unborn child due to some albumin problems she was having, whereas my half-brother was still married to his wife and already father of a son, who was four-year-old during that period! But he was unable to choose between his wife and my matriarchal half-sister, but finally decided to put an end into his relationship with her and come back with his wife, until he would betray her one more time with another woman who was of same age as mine but who was single and known as a man eater! My matriarchal half-sister was devastated, but after several love failures following her brutal break-up with my half-brother, she found love and serenity with a divorced man from overseas, whom she married in 2003 and with whom she is living a happy marriage life in her second husband’s native country. My half-brother, for the moment, lives a free relationship with another divorced woman who had children from her first husband and who was my half-brother’s childhood friend, as my half-brother was brutally separated from the young lady of my age, who betrayed him after six years of open relationship with a man of her age, a Mauritian based overseas whom she married and had a son with! What was funny in all that story was especially the adultery relationship between my half-brother and my matriarchal half-sister, which my parents tolerated, all this because they themselves saw in the both of them the perfect duplicate of their own adultery relationship! And all that mess happened whereas I was just 16 years old and facing my teenage crisis!
I was the fruit of a marriage based on an adultery relationship, my own siblings were leading adultery relationships themselves – except my patriarchal half-sister who passed away in 1992 at only 26 years old for reasons which remained mysterious and untold during all those years and who just got engaged. And the fact that my parents tolerated that kind of relationship and that my half-brother and my matriarchal half-sister were living it without any shame in front of me, who was still a teenager and virgin, who didn’t know too many things about boyfriends and who didn’t know anything about sex pushed me to become myself an adultery woman when I married my husband! The other funniest side of that story was that my parents kept on preaching me good manners and preaching me that I shouldn’t have any sexual life before marriage and that one of the ten Commandments of the Holy Bible revealed that “Thou Shall Never make Adultery”, whereas themselves they were tolerating adultery between their children and were leading a marriage life based over adultery! Why the need to preach me such holy virtues when themselves don’t show the good example ?
I GAVE BIRTH TO THE ADULTERY DEMON SLEEPING WITHIN ME: CHANDINI BLACK
Chandini Black was the nickname I was using for my old Facebook account for one year… A secret Facebook account I created, where I could express myself freely as an unsatisfied woman. Unsatisfied not only for sex, but also in general. That Chandini Black account opened widely the doors which shouldn’t have been opened in my life: The doors of adultery. The experience of adultery reminded me of a quote that my husband kept on repeating to me, but which I never considered seriously: All that glitters is not gold. But I was still living in a world of illusions and kept on being attracted by things which were glittering in front of my greedy eyes. I fell into one of the biggest traps of life, further to lots of insatisfaction I was facing in my actual life: the traps of adultery. I need to share that story with you all, as a bitter experience which I really understood thanks to the help of my husband.
Further to an unexpected event which happened some years ago, while my husband surprised me on my Chandini Black account, I had to close that account in emergency. It was an account I created as my private corner one year ago, as a way for me to express myself and to be in total intimacy on my own, because I was a frustrated woman who couldn’t express herself freely and who was deeply suffering in her heart, in her mind and even in her flesh.
But the suffering was so high that at a moment, I lost total control of myself and accepted all sorts of rascals whom I never met before in real life, and with whom I entertained scandalous relationships in secret, while my husband was at work or even at night while my son was peacefully sleeping.
In some way, I am thankful to God to have sent my husband to surprise me on that Facebook account, and he even slapped me and found some proofs I was cheating behind him in such a shameless way. I denied a lot of things before when he wanted me to tell him the truth, but at a moment I finally found the courage to tell him the truth that I had that Chandini Black account, lots of rascals with whom I had those dirty relationships and lots of scandalous things I was doing together with them and for which I’m feeling really ashamed of myself today.
The reason behind that horrible misbehaviour was that I was a lost soul. I was frustrated with my actual life, which was full of thorns I couldn’t get out of it : problems with my family, conflicts with my in-laws, bad parents who never accepted my choices nor my marriage with my husband due to his modest origins, difficulties to sell my inheritance to help my husband financially having a house of our own, discrimination between me and my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) because of preferences my in-laws did for her who already had her house and her child compared to me who still had nothing, bad advisers who dared putting mess between me and my husband and who abused of my weakness, medical treatments I was following against severe endometriosis, tireless fight to have a child through in vitro fertilisation, difficult pregnancy, difficult child delivery, baby Blues, mistreatment with my in-laws during the first month following my child’s birth, difficulties my husband was facing at work because of his abusive boss who had a mistress in his life, his change of job which made us leaving our native Mauritius for a brand new life in Seychelles…
But what accentuated those thorns were my child’s illness since we arrived in Seychelles since I did the biggest mistake of my life trusting one of my cousins, when I revealed her I was settled in seychelles. I thought she would have kept that secret for her, but she revealed everything to her mother, who then told everything to my parents, who are my worst enemies in life! We had proofs as there were too many coincidences, as my father came to know about us being settled in Seychelles the day after I informed my cousin! I came to know about that matter when my father dared calling my in-laws to survey with them if it was true that We would go in seychelles! And he came to know about that exactly one day after I informed my cousin, and during that period, my husband was overseas for a mission. Since that day, I doubted my cousin opened her mouth with her mother and that her mother gossiped with my parents about the fact that we are settled in Seychelles. If I knew what would have follow afterwards, I would have shut my mouth: the same day my husband came back from his overseas mission, my son and I left Mauritius together with my father-in-law to Seychelles… But he was caught with high fever and cold, and he didn’t have all his medicines with him to recover! The worst was that, as we just settled in Seychelles we didn’t know any good doctor to look after my son, and he remained ill for about one week! We also doubted that it was due to my cousin’s gossips that all those matters happened, because my mother always wanted to destroy my marriage and our little family, and we doubted she did some witchcraft actions to put the life of my son in danger! Since that day I totally cut contact with my cousin and I counted her among my worst enemies and my parents’ complicit into our destruction.
In addition to my son’s illness, since my father-in-law went back to Mauritius, lots of bad things again happened in my life : I was always crying, always aggressive, always depressed as I couldn’t accept how my father and my cousin could have broken my heart so much and how my cousin could have betrayed me so cheaply! However I don’t have proves that it was her who did it, but I have a lot of suspicions on her because my father being aware of our settlement in Seychelles coincided too much with the fact I personally announced her for my husband’s new job in Seychelles. Moreover, my cousin reacted very aggressively when I asked her whether she mentioned to anyone about us in Seychelles, as if she was feeling guilty. Her attitude was more than enough to convince me that she was guilty and I decided to take my distance from her without saying a single word. I related to my father-in-law my situation with my cousin and he told me frankly that he never appreciated her because she looked hypocrite and she was totally complicit with her mother, though she pretended to be in bad terms with her! He even added he didn’t appreciate seeing her coming at my place because she kept on taking information from me, for afterwards repeating the information to her mother, and her mother repeated then everything to my parents as she was in good terms with them. I felt betrayed because my cousin threw to the dustbin 25 years of close friendship and sisterhood through her betrayal, and thanks to my mother who succeeded buying her trust for me with some fantasy jewelleries!
Even though things calmed down little by little nonetheless in my life in Seychelles, things deteriorated again when I went to a trip to Mumbai. I had a lot of friends, but I especially became close friends with a hotel staff. Very quickly we became best friends and we shared a big complicity together as we understood each other in our respective problems we shared with each other. The hotel staff wanted to keep in touch with me, but he was rather lazy to keep in touch with me via email as he didn’t really like writing. Also to make our communication easy, I created a facebook account, and we kept in touch through that account regularly. But temptation then became stronger by my side, and while I wanted to increase my social network on facebook, I started little by little accepting all sorts of contacts whom I didn’t know, and I totally lost control of myself through lots of bad temptations and all sorts of rascals who abused of me… And whom i authorized to abuse of me! Before I had that fake facebook account, I had a real one which I closed in emergency because I was spending too much time on it and neglecting my responsibilities as a married woman. But for the fake account, I really abused of the situation! Facebook was already a drug for me when I had my real account, and that addiction became worse with the fake profile, it was like an overload of ecstasy drugs I was daily consuming… A drug I was consuming to drown my frustration towards my incomplete life, my jealousy seeing others having complete happiness with their families and in their couple, the unsatisfied woman within me, the little girl abused by her parents since she was born and who was still crying within me… And facebook wasn’t only a drug for me in virtual, like for my fake account… It was also a drug in real life, when I still had my real account, as I allowed some people abusing of me even physically, sexually and morally, even putting my pregnancy in danger! In such horrible conditions, one of my children died in my womb (I was supposed to have twins) and I became even so insane that I didn’t even want my son to come in my life! But God spared his innocent life, and though the insanities are still in my mind and heart, I realize nonetheless, though it’s very hard most of the time looking after him as a difficult child, how my life would have been empty without a child in my life, though I have been crying so many tears of blood to have him and after his birth!
I couldn’t accept my new life in Mauritius. I couldn’t accept such discriminations between my sister-in-law and me. I couldn’t see my family still being rejected despite my hopes of having our families reconciled after my comeback from Madagascar. I couldn’t bear seeing my father-in-law continuously aggressive and tense because of his responsibility towards my sister-in-law’s child, who was still 2 years old, and the fact that I was very often neglected by my in-laws, whose time mostly went around my nephew, though I understood he was still small and needed lots of care and attention as he wasn’t yet going to school. I was always pressurised during the 2 first months I spent at my father-in-law’s place as our puppy was quarantined since we brought her with us from Madagascar. I had adaptation difficulties in our new lifestyle in Mauritius, which contrasted totally from my older lifestyle as a single young girl, where I was living like a prisoner in a golden cage, whereas this time I had to cope on my own despite being helped by my husband, in-laws and our maid, who unfortunately was very disliked by everyone because of her strong mind and big mouth, though she had a good heart. I was badly advised by fake friends who abused of my friendship, affection and trust only to tease me to satisfy their ego in return. I was disturbed everyday by my cousin (the same one who betrayed me when we settled in seychelles) as she kept on making me loosing my time with her talkiness on the phone while I was busy with my chores. I was always harassed by my father who kept on calling me, not as a father, but as a sort of spy to know all updates about me, and even had guts to disturb my husband during his working hours every week to exhaust and stress him regarding my mother, for afterwards gossiping about us with her before she would go ahead with her witchcraft stuffs! I was always pressurized by my in-laws to keep clean their relative’s house which we were occupying until we would have our own house someday. We shed tears of blood for two long years until we would have some of my properties sold to allow that money being invested in some maintenance and repairs to be made in our new house we could purchase since my husband applied for a loan and that his loan was approved. , the treatments for in vitro were extremely tiresome and stressful. After child birth, I faced forty days of hell with my in-laws and total absence from my own family, and there were too many fights and conflicts between me, my husband and my in-laws, including gossips from some bad mouthes linked with our lack of experience into raising a child! I also did some wrong choices in life by involving myself in an illegal and strange network marketing business, during which I was obviously attracted by someone who looked like my type of man in appearance, but who was a danger for my marriage life, and that same person succeeded into seducing me physically and touching me, though we never ended in bed. I was also in search of new pleasures with a second man, whom I even dared meeting in secret in our relative’s house and at the office where I was doing the network marketing business. I faced fake friends who gave me bad advices to trap me and to revenge, because my husband never appreciated them and thought bad things about them, which I repeated to my friends instead of treating that problem with diplomacy. Also those fake friends misused those remarks to revenge and they abused of my moral person through bad advices. Among them, there was one ex-colleague of my husband’s and a maid who was working for us when we just arrived in Mauritius. I was always persecuted because my father-in-law never wanted us to keep our puppy anymore with us, because they feared that the puppy, who would feel neglected because we would be busy looking after my son who was still a newborn, would attack my son and even kill him, and as I was depressive, he succeeded influencing me to disbarass ourselves from the puppy and give it to someone else. My husband was very devastated by such a decision both my father-in-law took. But my husband’s tears of silence brought as result that the poor puppy passed away on my husband’s 40-year-old birthday because it got wildly hit by a car which was driving too fast in front of our door gate, when my puppy suddenly got out of the garden and was kicked by that car… And it was my father-in-law himself, he who gave that puppy so much damnation, who had to do its funeral! But we got mere consultation one week after our puppy’s death with arrival of a new puppy in our house of same breed and same color. In addition to all that mess, so much pressure between me and my husband, difficulties for me to cope at the same time with chores, cooking, family pressure and education of our baby, though I was helped by a maid and sometimes by my in-laws. My husband, for his part, was pressurized and mistreated in his work because of his boss, who declared to be a friend but who totally abused of him and discriminated him financially, for the sake of his mistress. By the same way, there was the arrival of a new general manager and of new staffs, but in return lots of sackings as the company was making lots of loss. Also my husband had to look for another job, and our life drastically took a new turn-on since we based ourselves in seychelles… And it could have been a perfect life if there wasn’t so much mess afterwards in our lives and with that addiction of mine again with facebook!
THOUGH MY HUSBAND DISCOVERED THE TRUTH HE WAS DEVASTATED… BUT WE FOUGHT LIKE HELL AND SAVED OUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
Since my husband discovered the truth, I couldn’t do anything else than revealing him everything and telling him about my unsatisfied life and sexuality. But we came on a conclusion that both of us had some phantasms in common, that we could allow ourselves together to go ahead with them, and also through that way, spicing up our lives and our sexuality with new experiences to save our couple and our marriage, and also to revive the flame of love which unites both our hearts and souls, but within the condition that everything would be done without affecting our son as he is still too small, and within the condition that every fantasy we would allow ourselves to do would be done together, in couple, in total transparency, and no more in secret.
Since we put everything clear I felt relieved and felt the rage for fighting definitely against my demons and lighting back the fire which died in my marriage to save it. I also want to fight against all thunderstorms which may put back my marriage life into trouble and endanger our young child’s future. I was in total darkness, but I want to rise again. I was in total illusion but I came to realize how illusion trapped me and that there is a moment where I should be back with feet on earth.
True friends are like precious stones, but rare. Fake friends are like autumn leaves spread everywhere. When I took time to meditate about my past with my ex-account Chandini Black, I came to realize how I was surrounded with so many sharks who abused of my weakness while I was facing the most desperate moments of my life. Some of them abused of my physical person. Some of them abused of my moral person. Some of them knew me only when they were in need, but afterwards rejected me like an old pair of socks when I couldn’t help them properly. Finally, some of them misused me only for the sake of their ego. I then realized little by little that I was drowning into a total world of illusion and, much before my husband surprised me, I already started feeling disgusted with that account, but yet was still addicted to it. But the situation arrived at a summon where one of my contacts who crushed over me, dared mentioning on his profile that both of us were, first “in an open relationship”, then “in a relationship”! When he mentioned we were “in an open relationship”, I was very angry and told him to remove that status immediately from his status, which some of my contacts blindly believed to be true! He refused first to remove that status, because he was horny by thinking too much about me, and he even dared showing a picture of his tool to prove me how high he was! Nonetheless he seemed to agree to remove that status from his timeline, but instead, he mentioned that we were “in a relationship”! This was no more funny and I decided then to take serious actions by deleting that status from his timeline and putting him back in his place through some private messages I sent him.
But an angel saved me from the trap I was digging through that old Facebook account, and since I closed it, since I managed instead that new Uma Devesh one, since I severely selected among my Chandini Black friends list those who were really sincere and supportive with me before re-including them in my new account, my life drastically changed. Today I decided to rise again from my ashes like the Phoenix and no more letting any bad vibrations abusing of my weakness. I was drown in darkness for a long time of my life, especially for one year. But thanks to that angel, I found the courage and the strength to rise again.
Today I don’t want anymore to get trapped into the chains of adultery. I experienced it too much, first in my family background, then in my real life after marriage, and those chains were made of thorns which poisoned my life for years. However, with the complicity of my husband to save our marriage life, we both agreed to add some spices into our sexual life and love relationship with bisexual threesome, foursome or even gang bang affairs with only women who would join us for fun together, but not men as my husband would never agree that another man touches me again! Though in one hand I’m ashamed of what I have done to my husband and to our son, in another hand I’m very happy I taught my parents indirectly a lesson because they took me for a fool, and I wanted to show them that their preachings were of no use in my education as themselves they were giving the bad example and even encouraged adultery between my half-brother and Marjorie! By the same way, when I analyze the adultery chain in which I was caught, I saw my mother as the boat from which the chain was getting out to be thrown in the deep sea waters, whereas I saw myself as the anchor which would touch the soil in the deep ocean to maintain the boat intact before it would continue its trip. But my husband did a wonderful job because he succeeded, through that last chance he gave me, to detach the anchor that I was from that haunted boat which was the insane adultery family I was belonging to, and which I had to keep chained to me as if I had to pay all their sins added to my own sins! Since my husband freed the anchor I was, I started living my life with more serenity and quietly in my corner, like the anchor which would witness the beautiful life in the ocean, whereas in return, the haunted boat representing the adultery family I belonged to, together with the broken chain of adultery with which they were retaining me for so many years, would start deviating in all sorts of directions and loose control of its driving, until it would sink in the deep waters after long journeys of loss of direction and of orientation! That is exactly the punishment I ask every day to God for them: Perdition and disorientation, until they fall for never rising up again, as I don’t retain them anymore as their anchor!
Chandini Black is dead… Through the years, I found a new pseudo, Ekasringa Avatar, a young woman born again a free soul, freed from all chains of guilt which tied her heart and soul, and ready to rise again like the Phoenix taking birth again from its ashes. I came to understand how chains of adultery may have a soft appearance, but instead are like a poison slowly sinking in your veins and killing you softly. But instead I am feeling really sorry for my parents and siblings, whom I inherited that character trait, but who never understood that lesson and kept on living their life freely as if they never committed anything wrong. If such sinners are shamelessly freely living their lives, so why not me?